The First “Love Island” 2022 Power Ranking

Davide in a white shirt

Davide, the Italian snack. Photo: ITV

On Monday, the demon guarding the dark, damp cavern in which we spend most of the year opened the stone door and stepped in to summon us.

We knew this time was coming soon. We watched the light go on for a few minutes every day through the cracks in our wall. We wondered if we would be needed again as we listened through the stillness and heard the faint. whispers of 24-year-olds describing himself “in three words” for “quick pieces of social content, please” carry us on the wind.

Here our guesses turned out to be correct. Aminsulo is here again and so we have to provide our grand predictions and our Paul the Octopus-like intuitions (some even called them “random guesses made based on jokes we thought about”). We are again your humble servants, moved from our wet and mossy dwellings to accomplish the only task for which we were truly destined on this earth: to make medium to good jokes about Crocs and nasty tattoos, in this, the patented VICE. Love Island Power Ranking.

Our first impressions were positive: the format changes of season eight are needed, and the cast is well chosen. The fact that, above all, halfway through an already promising episode, Aminsulo also threw in a man who announced himself blaring about “ITALIAN SNACK” as if he had a bag of biscuits to share, and it’s so ridiculous, Disney Prince handsome, that as soon as he saw him, all the girls started talking like the back. , Black Lodge Laura Palmer at Twin Peakshowever, there was an indication of a possible “I’m sat” level brightness.

Thus, with all this great hope in our shrunken hearts of plum, for the first time in 2022, we present to you our map of power in the Aminsulo villa: where it is missing, where it lies, and where it can go from here.Photo

Love Island 2022: Davide takes off his shirt

DAVID, THE ITALIAN SNACK

The main thing that fans demanded Aminsulo in recent years it is more GLATQ contestants. The producers heard those demands, consulted them, and responded by … sending a 100 percent Italian man. And you know what? They were right to do so. Instead of their traditional female “bomb” this year is Davide, a revived Vatican sculpture that entered the villa on a cart made of TUI holiday fantasy and pheromones.

Honestly, I’m already terribly sorry for this man whose very normal name has been mispronounced as “David”, “David-ah” and “David … eh?”, And whose soul will wither in real time when confronted with the culture. a shock of an environment in which the height of romance involves sharing a bean bag, drinking Blossom Hill from plastic flutes and realizing how “crazy” it is that you both had only one previous relationship. Even so, from a viewer’s perspective, it’s probably the biggest tactical decision in the history of reality TV dating.

Love Island 2022: Indiyah in a white bikini smiling

INDIYAH’S CHIEF TAIL

Not since Shannon Singh’s intricate seventh-season balayage (away from our screens too soon! I wanted to see how it grew!) So powerful a hairstyle was swung in the. Aminsulo villa. This is a ponytail for the ages – perfectly, carelessly palpated as if evoked from a 90’s film – worn with a clearly superior style to begin with: It is, I am sorry to say, because of Indiyah that I was already seriously wondering if I should provide a tart sarong.

Love Island 2022: Two female contestants hugging

BEAUTIFUL ISLAND

Maybe it’s the choice of casting and a slightly revamped format that makes everyone start on an equal footing, maybe I’ve just been inside too long and forgot what normal interaction is, but this Aminsulo premiere felt uncharacteristically … healing? The girls were girlish, as always, complimenting costumes and saying “we love you!” to each other in the first ten minutes. But there were many other beautiful moments as well, most notably Tash’s beautiful speech about her hearing impairment, which was met with an equally touching response. Call me wet, but it was nice to get out of an episode of Aminsulo without immediately watching a documentary by Aileen Wuornos to balance the scales.

Love Island 2022: Female contestants shouting for joy

THE SOUND “WOO”

Summer is a busy time for the “woo” sound in general – festivalschicken festivals and so on – so it finds itself spreading a bit thin by June, but it always makes time for Aminsulo. Because after all, nowhere does “woo” find itself in greater demand than in this show. Enter the villa? “Vu!” Does anyone open a bottle of Prosecco? “Vu!” Does a person receive a text message? “Vuuu!”

On Aminsulo, “woo” is an expression of a group feeling, a cry of domination, a call to mate. Everything is for all people. In many ways, this one syllable sums it up Aminsulois total reason for existence. I’m “courting” that’s why I am.

Love Island 2022: Liam from South Wales nudmama

ELTO AND JOHN

After the unbridled success of 2021 winner Liam, from South Wales, this year presents a comedy highlight in the form of: Liam, from South Wales. Within the first few minutes he admitted that he had thought for 20 years that Elton John was a duo consisting of Elt and also John, trying to figure out how Gemma Owen could fit 17 horses in her house and, when confronted with Laura Whitmore informing him. that there is something new about the new process, he said, with all the consciousness of someone who has just been caught sleeping in geography: “what.” Between him and former NHS worker Paige, who tried to stick it to Davide saying she had shaped her #governmental relationships according to mafia books, it’s another strong show for the Welsh this year.

Love Island 2022: Contestant taking off his tie

MOUNTAINS

The initial assembly is always a pleasure, isn’t it? Truly sublime in its ridiculousness: horrible graphics showing cells merging into one before forming a scientifically inaccurate heart shape; people in offices unbutton their shirts and laugh at the wall; the one person who is a student so they just film them sitting in a library. This is a real British show!

Love Island 2022: Female contestants lined up for the public vote

THE PUBLIC VOICE

One cannot trust people to make good decisions for themselves on the spot, especially when it is vaguely related to sex. This is one law that is equally true in Aminsulo as it is in life. Do you understand the layers of hell that would unfold if you introduced me to a line of half-naked strangers and said “pick one”? It’s like trying to choose jeans without seeing them on a model.

Fortunately this decision was made by the hands of the men in attendance, who have so far created seemingly zero-matched pairs with the added benefit of hiding everyone’s “type on paper”. An hour and a half passed without a man uttering the phrase “blond hair and blue eyes” through compressed poisons. Sweet release – for now, at least.

Love Island 2022: Contestant Luca Bish in a white t-shirt

UK FISH-SALE

“I’m Luca Bish and I’m selling fish” is this year’s spin on Chuggs and his bucket hat business; a name and occupation so powerful in a union that the islanders were too busy laughing at it to notice Gemma Owen drop clues about her dad’s identity. Why this man has a photorealistic tattoo of Albert Einstein on his shoulder is yet to be revealed, but he is definitely about to donate somewhere in Brighton. Binley Mega Chippy running for his money.

Love Island 2022: A contestant touches another's foot

FEET, DURATION

One trend that has sadly crossed since 2021 is the obsession with feet. Crocs, caressing and the phrase “sucking the toe” all stand out, which probably says less about our sexual inclinations as a society and more about the unique madness of the villa. Throw in a bunch of hot, newly minted celebrities together in a constant Frisian state that they can’t act on for television, and it won’t be long before someone puts their mouth on something benign in a way that ends. feeling much more perverse than if they had made “the broken eagle” right there in the fire pit.

Love Island 2022: Gemma Owen in an orange bikini

MICHAEL OWEN, THE INVOLVEMENT OF

When people have famous family members or relationships Aminsulo it’s always a lot of fun when you can say they decide whether or not to mention it (the funniest thing ever was in season three when Marcel would not stop talking about being in Blazin ‘Squad).

Gemma Owen, the daughter of footballer Michael, decided to keep her cards close to her chest – but that didn’t stop the big man from hovering over almost every conversation his daughter had had so far: invisible, liminal, there but no, the ghost of that time he said that he “don’t watch moviesScattering across the screen whenever Gemma talks about football or her last name. And while I’m enjoying the suspense, I mostly hope she’ll get rid of the revelation soon because I’m not sure how long I can wait to see the more than ten different emotions that will fly through a sweet summer child. Liam’s face when she does.

Love Island 2022: The naked male contestants sat on a bench

LOW TRUNKS

The first real bonding experience between the women of Aminsulo this year was over a common ick, and so you know that every single one of them is a legend. “Ugly trunks”, besides being a wonderful phrase in itself (thank you Paige: I adore you and believe that your literary pursuits in the genres of “mafia” and “romance” have served you well) is a very legitimate ick. .

Described by The Girls as the kind of swimsuit that has “pineapples” on them, in one of the most “two glasses in a bottomless brunch” (i.e. amazing) observations ever made on television, “ugly trunks” is a very specific picture. , as all of the most penetrating icos are. I’m afraid the whole FatFace brand has been found to be rotting.

@hiyalauren / @emmaggarland

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